When my 91-year-old father, a US Army veteran with Alzheimer’s-related dementia, became increasingly cantankerous and prone to frustrated cursing, I knew I had to find a new way to connect. Drawing from my experience in retail and a 2011 NIH study showing that older adults respond better to positive faces, I decided to treat my dad like a customer.
The Power of a Smile
I greeted him with a genuine smile every time we met, even if it meant reaching into our shared history to recall the man who tucked me in with bedtime stories and took me to cricket games. The result? He was much more likely to finish his breakfast, take his medication, and allow me to help him in the bathroom.
It Doesn’t Always Work
Of course, dementia is unpredictable. Sometimes he’s confused or lashes out. When that happens, I summon my customer service skills: I put on a professional smile and give him time to calm down. His short attention span means he often forgets the outburst within minutes.
A Mental Shield
Treating him like a customer also helped me not take his behavior personally. It’s not him – it’s the dementia. This mindset creates a psychic barrier that protects me from his mood shifts. I check in with him several times an hour using smiles, nods, and thumbs-up, making it easier for him to express himself despite his lost language abilities.
Adapting to Change
As a disabled queer male with weightlifting limitations, I can’t assist him physically. But my emotional support and smile therapy seem to make a difference. Adapting to change is key in caregiving. Expecting him to be the man he used to be is unfair to both of us.
If wearing a smile – or faking it when necessary – helps him feel safe and seen, then it’s worth it. Because he’s worth it.
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